Ovda Regio, which forms the western part of Aphrodite Terra (Venus)

Let’s face it. No matter what we do or try, poorer people, particularly in the inner city, do poorly on standardized tests for both math and verbal skills. Why? Well math is a question answered later, but lack of verbal skills are pretty easy to figure out–if you don’t grow up in a household that uses standard, “High English”, rather than an English dialect, you aren’t going to be familiar with a lot of words that show up on the SATs or the GREs. Note that although no one in the US actually uses the word “High” to describe a language, it’s common throughout the world, particularly Europe, to differentiate between a dialect and what’s considered the common language. 

 The reasons for this are historical, dating back hundreds of years. The Alps run through central Europe, and up until about two hundred years ago, little towns, sprinkled throughout the European Alps, all had their own dialects, often completely different from, and incomprehensible to, their nearest neighboring towns, simply because the towns were isolated–it was virtually impossible to get from one town to another before there were roads, cars, railroads, etc., plus there was no TV, few books, or anything else, for that matter. In the case of the German language, for instance, the isolation of people in their small villages resulted in each variant of German evolving on its own. Since people didn’t travel much back then, this didn’t matter much during the middle ages, but it sure does now. This is why ‘High German’ is taught to every school pupil–there needs to be a common language, shared by everyone. At home the old dialects are often still used, but in all front-facing jobs, or if you want to understand what people are saying in a movie, High German is what you must speak and understand. If you are watching a TV show in Germany, the actors speak high German. It would be extremely inefficient, as well as insulting, to make each TV show with subtitles for viewers who don’t know high German (Hoch Deutsche).

 We have the same thing here in the US, albeit to a lesser extent–groups of people are separated by various barriers, from the Appalachian Mountains to historical segregation in inner cities. The language spoken at home, or with friends, is not ‘high’ or ‘proper’ English, but the local dialect, which is fine for family and friends. But, in order to succeed financially and socially here in the USA, you need to speak proper English. That’s a whole lot easier if your family and friends speak grammatically correct ‘high’ English in the first place, and therefore use words that show up on SATs.

 Unfortunately, so far, nothing has been successful in teaching everyone in our schools how to speak ‘proper’ English (note that the definition of “proper” is decided by what is basically the ruling class, which might seem arbitrary, which it is, but tough luck–that just happens to be the most efficient way to go, and more importantly, that’s just the way it is). Sure, if the dialect spoken in the ghetto by black teenagers was considered “high English”, those kids would be nailing the SATs, and my kids would be in trouble…..but that’s not the case.

 So, perhaps the biggest drawback to learning proper English is that for the average person in the inner city or the coal miner’s kid in Appalachia (for instance), there’s no particular reason to learn it. It’s not like they’re going to hang out with the Rockefellers at their ski lodge this coming weekend. 

So, as a public service, and In order to solve this persistent issue, Alien Humor brings you “vocabulary building pornography’ (VBP for short), which will definitely attract the attention of adolescent school pupils, regardless of race, creed or background. Let’s face it–at least 80% of every adolescent's mind focus and attention has something to do with sex. Just look at Internet usage–estimates range as high as 30% of all internet traffic is pornography, and that nearly 90% of men watch pornography at least once a week (but not this writer!). And it’s usually young men who do the worst on the verbal SATs. So, as a public service, here is an excerpt from the best method known to mankind for learning vocabulary words. 

 What’s particularly humorous (or “risible” for those who do well on the SATs) about this, is that it actually works. Due to a lack of effort in college, combined with attending a school that did not give grades, it was important for George to do well on the GREs. However, studying vocabulary words isn’t exactly exciting or invigorating. However, mix in a little porn, and it’s not so bad. George got himself an 810 out of a possible 800, all thanks to VBP. Give it a try, and see if it’s not the next hot topic with the teacher’s union. It might even get their minds off teaching kids to consider switching genders.

 Story #1 (intro only): The Professor and his Mistress:

David, an associate professor of literature at a famous Ivy League college, stopped by the faculty party, held for students looking to make a career of literature. He positioned himself near the punch bowl, from where he could survey the female revelers. He immediately spotted Tiffany, an excellent student as well as a quite attractive one. He then nonchalantly wandered over to her, saying “Hi Tiffany. Your essay on Conrad’s Heart of Darkness was excellent. I think it deserves an A, but there are a few points I’d like to discuss with you further.”

 Tiffany, whose GPA would benefit greatly from an A+, replied, “I’d love to, doctor, but it’s so loud in here.”

 David’s eyes twinkled. “Just what I was thinking. Perhaps at my apartment?”

A mere ten minutes later, Tiffany was lying naked on his bed, while he hastened to remove his pants.

Prima facie, Tiffany appeared to be no neophyte in the ribald arts. Ab Initio, she displayed her adroitness to abet the ossification of his quiddity. She knelt to anele David’s salient, puissant acme with an empyreal osculation. David’s basilic bole blazoned its esurient animus, causing Tiffany to recline so as to avidly immure his febrile phallus in her habile cul-de-sac. Now with an enclave in his pulchritudinous desiderata, David placed his hands as a trivet beneath her undulating ardor, as he began his trenchant, corporal antiphony.

 

More to come…